Reflecting

After getting the news on Friday morning that I had passed the Bar, I felt such a huge sense of relief, it is almost indescribable. That being said, I didn't have any time to sit and bask in the news, as Sam and Ben were running around, as is usual, and Ben had his first ever "hold your breath until you pass out" spell after falling and scaring himself (very, very scary, and caught me totally off-guard because he wasn't even crying -- he just simply stopped breathing).

On Saturday morning, I had an appointment to donate blood, and as I sat through the donation process, I finally had a few quiet minutes to myself to actually think about the news and the implications and the huge accomplishment. Law school isn't really that hard -- but it is time-consuming and demanding, and the learning curve is incredibly steep the first year.

That being said, I look back at some of the events over the past 3 and a half years, and I wonder to myself what I was thinking, how we got through some of the situations! For example, how did I sit in the NICU and read my "Law and Public Education" book, with my two premature infants just inches away in their incubators? How did I write a paper about the justice-system in post-war Bosnia in the hospital cafeteria? How did I return to class, breast-pump in tow, just two weeks after their births? Why did I feel it was necessary to take my final exams with two six-week old infants at home? I honestly don't know HOW I did those things, or more importantly, WHY I did those things. Why did it seem so important at the time? What was I trying to prove? Why didn't I realize that my body and my mind had been through a very taxing ordeal (a complicated pregnancy, my hospital bed-rest, the boys' NICU stay) and cut myself (and us) some slack?

I think that these reflections will be incredibly helpful to me as I transition to being a full-time working mom. I've proved to myself that I can actually do what I need to do to accomplish my goals, but I've also learned that I don't actually need to do all of these things by myself, that maybe it is okay to ask for help, or to admit that I simply should not take on one more project or push myself that extra mile.

I picked up my graduation regalia earlier this week and I know that my mind will be spinning during the ceremony as I continue to reflect on the woman that I am today, as compared to the girl who wandered onto that beautiful campus almost 4 years ago.

** Today is the anniversary of the boys' due date -- a date that will always be special to me -- from the pregnancy test that I took on September 3, 2007 that popped up with the big, bold word "PREGNANT" -- and then figuring out that magical EDD -- May 12, 2008. **