I went to the mall on Wednesday for the sales appointment following the boys' holiday photo shoot. It is way too hard to concentrate on picking out pictures with the two of them fighting in their stroller, pulling things off shelves, throwing things on the ground, etc.
I got to the mall, didn't bother trying to find a space in the parking garage despite the dark clouds overhead (I always park in the covered parking when I have the boys because it takes so long to load/unload them, the stroller, etc. and the covered parking shields the rain, wind, cars driving too fast), and went to my appointment. After selecting the pictures, I had to wait 20 minutes, and decided to walk around the mall.
Walking without pushing the stroller felt so empty and lonely -- and I made a complete lap of the mall in about 4 minutes. It usually takes much longer than that, as the boys and I stop and look at displays, mannequins, the giant "Snow Globe Santa" exhibit in the center of the mall. We are usually stopped by various people who want to say hello to the boys, and we often end our trip with a treat of some sort. I didn't know what to do with myself! I suddenly felt very "anonymous," realizing that being a mother and the boys' presence in my life has come to be one of the key, if not THE key, defining factor in my life. I have obviously known that they are a huge part of my identity since I was pregnant with them -- but I guess I didn't realize just how empty I would feel without them, even for a few hours.
I think that part of this feeling is due to the fact that I will be finished with law school in about 2 weeks, and I am undergoing a major transition in terms of defining myself not as a law student, but as an attorney (eek! Finding a job would be helpful, too!) ...
I went to the mall on Wednesday for the sales appointment following the boys' holiday photo shoot. It is way too hard to concentrate on picking out pictures with the two of them fighting in their stroller, pulling things off shelves, throwing things on the ground, etc.
I got to the mall, didn't bother trying to find a space in the parking garage despite the dark clouds overhead (I always park in the covered parking when I have the boys because it takes so long to load/unload them, the stroller, etc. and the covered parking shields the rain, wind, cars driving too fast), and went to my appointment. After selecting the pictures, I had to wait 20 minutes, and decided to walk around the mall. 
Walking without pushing the stroller felt so empty and lonely -- and I made a complete lap of the mall in about 4 minutes. It usually takes much longer than that, as the boys and I stop and look at displays, mannequins, the giant "Snow Globe Santa" exhibit in the center of the mall. We are usually stopped by various people who want to say hello to the boys, and we often end our trip with a treat of some sort. I didn't know what to do with myself! I suddenly felt very "anonymous," realizing that being a mother and the boys' presence in my life has come to be one of the key, if not THE key, defining factor in my life. I have obviously known that they are a huge part of my identity since I was pregnant with them -- but I guess I didn't realize just how empty I would feel without them, even for a few hours.
I think that part of this feeling is due to the fact that I will be finished with law school in about 2 weeks, and I am undergoing a major transition in terms of defining myself not as a law student, but as an attorney (eek! Finding a job would be helpful, too!) ...
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