Some days are hard. Tonight, the boys and I had such a nice time. Ben was weepy when I picked them up from school, upset about when he would get to see Mommy, but he quickly recovered, we had showers, dinner, and snuggles while reading in bed. After they went to bed (aka played around in their bedroom), I was in the kitchen, prepping for tomorrow. Fall has seemingly arrived overnight -- the rain is falling outside, a cool breeze is blowing through the kitchen window, and I am wearing a sweatshirt for the first time in months. A big pot of chili is cooking on the stove for the boys' lunches tomorrow (let's hope their new thermoses actually keep their food hot), and I was baking "Triple Hitter Toddler Muffins" (made with grated zucchini and carrots and applesauce). My favorite "lite favorites" radio station was on softly in the background, and at 8pm, the radio program changes to the evening show, a show I usually listened to as I went to bed every night, "once upon a time," 5 years ago at the start of our marriage. The "husband" used to joke that if I ever got really mad at him, he would apologize by calling in the show and requesting our song -- and that always made me laugh because I would be mortified by such a public recognition!
As I listened to the radio, a song that hit just too close to home ("Against all odds (Take a look at me now) by Phil Collins!), and it just made me feel badly. I usually manage to maintain a pretty positive perspective on all of this, but tonight, as the song played, I started to feel sad. It is hard to look at this life and comprehend that somehow, I'm a single mother, trying to juggle two small children and a demanding career -- all without the love and support of a partner. I should be baking muffins for the boys' lunches while their father keeps me company as we chat about our days. The boys shouldn't have to struggle to deal with the transitions between two houses, between two different lives. I wanted to give my children a loving family with parents who love each other and make a real go at a life together. And I can't have that. I don't have that. I can't give that to my children, I can't give that to myself. And that makes me sad.
2 comments:
Just because you don't have that life now, doesn't mean you can't have it. There is still time for loving husbands and a loving step-father for the boys. I know it is hard to think about that now and of course there is no guarantee, but chin up my friend the best is yet to be! We love you guys.. hope to see you soon..
Oh, Erin, this made me cry too. I know it must be hard to keep your head up all the time and to keep moving forward when there are days like this where you want to just throw in the towel for a bit, but you're doing so well. Sure, it's confusing for Sam and Ben (and you) right now but they know, undoubtedly, that you love them and that, stable partner or not, you're a rock solid presence in their life. I wish I could hug you right now. If I were closer, I'd stand in the kitchen with you and chat while you make muffins :) Over coffee, of course.
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