Checking in

Where has the summer gone? I can't believe I'm already thinking about Labor Day. The boys and I are taking a trip to VA for a week to meet my new nephew, and as I try to figure out the shift in the co-parenting schedule, I realized I was suddenly talking about Labor Day weekend. I'm not ready for summer to be over! This summer has been so busy, with the move to the new apartment, a hectic work schedule, and so many transitions in parenting, both for the two of us, and most importantly, for the boys. I feel so limited in what I can or cannot say, this blog being a public forum. Maybe it is time to seriously think about going private.

Having some free time to myself has allowed me to really think about things, and there is something I want to explain. This process has taken much longer than I think many of my friends or family wanted it to take, and I know they often felt frustrated with me for things not moving more quickly. But for me, I had to know that I had done everything for the marriage to work, and maybe I was a little slow on "getting it," but I had to know for sure. I had to know that I didn't leave anything on the table, that I put in everything I had. I feel confident now, knowing that someday, when Sam and Ben ask me about why their parents are divorced, I won't have any pangs of guilt that I didn't do enough to make it work for them. Also, I had to know that I would be okay getting through this on my own. I never had any doubts that I could take care of myself and the boys, and balance being a full-time mom and full-time professional. When I was younger, I watched two of my cousins go through divorces. One already lived in the same town with our entire extended family, and the other moved back in with her mother for several years during the divorce process. I remember the network of support and help these women had from the members of our extended family -- the babysitting, the cups of coffee, the shoulders to cry on. I knew I wouldn't have any of those things easily accessible, seeing my parents are 4 hours away, my siblings are both 8 hours away, and my two best friends live in NYC and Switzerland! I had to know that I would have the strength to get up every day, pack lunches, love my boys, and go to work, regardless of the world around me crumbling. And it took a while for me to have that confidence in myself, in my own strength. There have been hard days - the first meeting with the two of us and our lawyers -- and as much as I wanted to crawl into my bed and cry to my mom, I couldn't. I had to take a deep breath, pick myself up, and go back to my day as a mother and a lawyer. And I did.