Chicken soup for the soul.

Quite literally. Yesterday was a tough day. Each month, I will have one evening meeting for my work, and won't be home until after the boys are in bed. Yesterday was the first of those meetings. Seeing I would be unable to pick the boys up from school, I volunteered to do drop-off. The boys were very sleepy and didn't want to wake up, so instead of feeding them breakfast at home, I brought them granola bars for the car (something they have had in the past). As we left the house, I gave the boys their granola bars, and off we went. Things were fine -- but at one point, while on the highway, I glanced in my rearview mirror at Sam -- and realized he was choking. I somehow managed to cross two lanes of traffic at about 80MPH, threw the car into park on the shoulder of the highway, and pulled him out of his seat to do the Heimlich. He started coughing and crying, with blood and vomit coming out of his mouth, and Ben was screaming in his carseat, he was so scared. Thankfully, Sam was okay, just covered in grossness (he has a horrible cough, and I think he probably coughed with food in his mouth, and when he inhaled, he inhaled the granola bar), so I cleaned him up the best I could (while trying to avoid getting vomit, blood, or chewed up granola bar on my suit), comforted Ben, and set off for school. Every part of me wanted to turn the car around, to just take my boys home, change back into pajamas, and spend the day snuggling with the boys. But I couldn't do that. So off to school we went. I hugged each of the boys extra tight at drop-off, and smiled to myself as Ben took the daycare teacher's hand and walked into the classroom. No tears -- from either of us, he in the classroom, or me in the car after drop-off.

Yesterday afternoon, I returned to my office after a quick trip to the kitchen, and saw my voicemail light flashing. Not surprising, it could have been any number of people. But my work Blackberry was also flashing with voicemail. And my personal cell phone had a new voicemail. I looked at the "missed call" -- and it was the Camel Room, the boys' room at their school. My heart was in my throat, all I could think was that Ben had had another seizure and was on his way to the Emergency Room. I started speed dialing the daycare, but the line was busy. I finally got through, and the teacher informed me that Ben had woken up from his nap with a 103.5 fever. I told her the Husband would be there immediately, and I called the Husband (who had been on the phone with the daycare when I couldn't get through!), and he left immediately to get the boys, as high fevers can trigger seizures -- and although I don't think 103.5 is high enough for a febrile seizure, we didn't want to take any chances, and wanted Ben to get some medication as soon as possible.

As I sat in my office and prepared for my meeting, I had a huge lump in my throat. For the first time since returning to work, the Mommy Guilt was overwhelming, and I wasn't sure I could handle going to my night meeting and not being home with my sick baby. I hadn't felt the Mommy Guilt in any overwhelming way on my first day of work, I knew the boys would be fine, and I was ready to start using the degree I put so much time and money into obtaining. And besides, I had already experienced the first, gut-wrenching experience of leaving the boys when I returned to school when they were 5 months old -- so I was prepared for that feeling. I hadn't been prepared, however, for the feeling of not being able to go to my sick child. And it was horrible. Granted, if Ben had been seriously ill, I would have left, regardless of the meeting. It just broke my heart that I couldn't be with him to comfort him when he wasn't feeling well.

Tonight, after I got home from work (the boys had to stay home with a babysitter today), I made a huge pot of chicken soup. Perhaps, tomorrow as they are eating lunch at school, they will feel a little extra love from their mama.